Housework and Hand Grenades: An Evading Arachnid

I'm not a spider person. I can handle the occasional cellar spider, but that's about as far as my spider loving takes me. I also don't claim to have infinite knowledge on the subject. In short, most spiders creep me out.

My husband has been working a lot of nights lately. After my 10 year old is tucked safely in his bed I busy myself on Facebook or delving deep into a book. The night this story stems from, I was on the computer. It was your ordinary every day..or night..scenario. Nothing new or interesting really. Just killing time. That's when he came on the scene. I could tell he was going to be trouble the moment I laid eyes on him. He moved slowly at first; sauntering ever so cockily down the wall. He completely stopped me in my tracks (yes, he has been labeled a he because I refuse to believe anything female could be that creepy). This guy was huge! At least 2-3 inches with his legs all sprawled out. I shudder to think of him even now.

My first thought was a shoe. There were several right beside me so I grabbed the biggest one I could find, instantly regretting that it was a sandal. My husband's sandal, but a sandal nonetheless. It's strange how quickly the mind works! I was convinced in that second, eying the thing creeping meticulously down my wall would somehow jump from beneath the sandal the moment I tried to squish him and attack my hand with every bit of gusto he had. His position was between a window facing and a shelf so I had only a small amount of room to work with. I knew if I just swung willy nilly he would take off quick like a bunny and I would have to chase him. Putting my hand inside the sandal, I aimed for him. I was going to have to be sure to be just over him. I readied...breathed deeply and went for it.

Man did that thing move fast! All of my weight was now against the wall. I was sort of hovered over my desk and pressing with everything I had. For a split second I thought I had him. I could almost hear the little crunch of victory. Yes! No. There he was, right beside my hand! How had he moved so quickly? Was this some sort of evil transporting arachnid that I hadn't heard about yet? My balance eluded me and I let out a short scream. Stopping to make sure I hadn't woke my son and placing my feet firmly on the floor once again, I surveyed the area.

He had ventured just over the shelf. Any movement by me would send him into hiding in the vast collection of action figures (my husband is a collector) and I would have to wait him out. He was very still, biding his time. Spray! I needed spray! Did we have bug spray? I didn't think so. Bleach! Bleach kills everything! I went on a search for a spray bottle of bleach. This venture took me to the bathroom where my eyes dart everywhere in search of this murder weapon. There! The spray bottle! Saved!! Nope. It was empty. I only glanced at the gallon of bleach before deciding I didn't have time to fill the spray bottle with the glorious liquid before the pest would be on the move again. The kitchen! I'll bet there's something in there! First I grabbed window cleaner. This should work. Then I saw the multi-surface cleaner. Previously I had taken out an entire army of ants with this so I snatched it up and hurried back to the living room.

Sandal in one hand, spray in the other, I stalked my prey. He was gone. Cursing under my breath (actually I think I said "Crap!" because that is normally my curse word of choice) I watched for him. He eluded me for what seemed like forever. I sat back down at my desk and waited. He had to come out sometime.

I busied myself once again, watching the shelf from the corner of my eye. Any movement I would catch and I would be ready. I slowly sat my cleaner on the desk just a few inches from my fingertips. Any movement at all and I would be a mad spraying fool, or so I thought. Three minutes passed, then five. I hadn't forgotten he was there, but had slowly let my guard down.

Then, he emerged.

The first thing out of my mouth was, "Bah!" Once again I silenced myself to make sure the child still slept peacefully. He did. I grabbed up my spray. He was mine now! I stood up too quickly for his liking. The spider took off like a bat out of Satan's realm and crawled at the speed of light around the side of the shelf. He sat there. He taunted me; dared me to attack him with a shower of cleaner. I obliged him. Once again he was on the move. Darting here and there hoping to evade my barrage of sprays while all the while I squeezed the trigger.

I don't know how many times I sprayed toward this creepy crawler before he fell and disappeared. Rest assured if he perished from the attack he met his maker all sparkling clean!

Why was I so freaked out by this intruder? It wasn't only that nearly the entire species creeps me out, but I was convinced it was a Brown Recluse. It was only after my husband got home from work and did an extensive search for me that I learned it was merely a Giant House Spider. I also learned a Brown Recluse only grows to about 3/4 inch. I breathed a sigh of relief. Giant House Spiders are apparently a friend to the humans. They feast on Hobo Spiders which are rather dangerous.